What is absolute?

I've tried it far too many times to count. I've started a diet, I've painted a picture, I have joined a gym, I've walked the dogs, I've written a page of a story, I've stopped drinking for a week, I've watched less TV, I've eaten healthier, I've worked out for a week, I've started a blog....there, I've said it.... I've done this all, too many times to count, and what is the same with all of it? I've done it before, the same things, over and over again. The same meaningless goals that never get accomplished, the tasks I start but never go to completion. I've spent 100s of dollars on personal trainers, movies, Wii fit, weights, workout clothes, gym memberships, all of it.

It did work once. When my now husband was in basic training 2.5 years ago, I managed to get the motivation to work out for 2 months straight, to change my eating habits, to have a routine and to stick by it. It was an absolute lifestyle change. I ask myself what happened, why did I stop - what brought the end to my 2 month streak that had me down 15 pounds, eating healthy, and working out 5 days a week. I attribute it to my move. When we moved to Alabama, and I had no gym, I had no routine. Nothing was the same. I wanted to try new food, I drank to meet people, I ate fast food because I was with Kevin and we could enjoy going out on dates. We would celebrate meaningless things and eat and drink, and watch movies and not work out. I have been on this spin for too long, and I want to change, but somehow I can never find the courage to do so.

Being in school for psychology, I have this professor who makes you look at different ways to approach life. Why stress for tests? If you relax, you will find you had a good night sleep for that test, and you will feel better when you take it. Why stress at all for that matter? What does it accomplish other an an upset feeling over something you really could control in other ways.

So this got me thinking, why am I stressing about losing weight? Is it the weight I want off, or is there more to it? I want to be more active period. The weight yes would make me feel better, but then I would continuously stress about avoiding that brownie, or not eating when I go to a restaurant. That is stressful, that is not enjoyable. I don't want to lose years of my life stressing to be skinny. I don't want to develop an eating disorder, something I feel like I have struggled with for a good portion of my adult life. I don't want to count calories. I want to live. "You should live your life, not waste your life worrying"

Why do I start things and never complete them? I set goals that are impossible to be long lasting. I set goals that I will write in a blog every day. Is that realistic? Probably not at first. I set goals that I will be a certain weight by the end of the month, is that realistic? Maybe, but I guarantee that once I reach that accomplishment (if I ever do), I will gorge with celebration, and then stress over what I ate. I am SICK of stressing.

What is absolute? Absolute is my stress free world, my lifestyle change. If I want happiness, if I want to be fit, if I want to live without stress, there is only one way to do it, and that is by changing more than my eating habits, its by changing my life.

I followed myself this past week and realized what I have been doing, how much of my life I am wasting doing absolutely nothing. I spend countless hours watching tv, or fidgeting on facebook. If I leave the house for a few hours, I come back exhausted and sleep for 2 more. I don't exercise my dogs like I should because I depend on my backyard. I did spend time painting, but that was really the only thing I could see myself doing that was accomplishing anything at all over the past week. (That does not include studying which I did do). I ate pizza, I drank wine, I watched movies and hung out with my husband and all his friends. I think I got through almost 2 seasons of The Office. I have a job that is temporary, so I feel almost no satisfaction after my day at work. Is this depressing enough? It was for me when I looked at it.

I also notice something else. Something I think everyone should ask themselves. What is one thing that I want more than anything in the world? It isn't getting a phd, it isn't even having children at this point, two things I I was certain were my priorities right now. I noticed there is something I want more first, there is something that eats at me every day of how what I dream for, and I have wanted for years. I want to be that girl in the athletic shorts and ribbed tank, holding a water bottle with a number pinned to her back. I want my mornings to consist of an early wake-up call because I can't WAIT to get out for a run. Sure running is a longer way of getting in shape, but I don't think its getting in shape that I want. I just want to be active. I don't want to eat fast food, I don't want to watch TV, I want to be in the outdoors, and living the life of a girl in her 20s being active. That is why I can't work with a trainer, or follow a video at home. That is why I was able to run 4-5 days a week while Kevin was gone. It wasn't the motivation of losing weight, it was the motivation of feeling better, having energy and loving to work out.  I WANT to be fit. I am so scared that I will look back on my 20s and regret looking and feeling the way I do. Wanting and wishing and barely trying for what I really want.

Over this weekend, I was so excited to visit the healthfood store that opened up in Eastchase in Montgomery, Alabama. They have an array of only organic food, no preservatives. They have all these unique foods like vegetable chips, and octopus ink dyed pasta. Things I would love to try.

I want to have this blog as a way of documenting my day. Not a blog on fulfilling goals, not a blog with a countdown. A blog of lists, a blog of things I feel good about doing on a daily basis. I want to feel motivated to enjoy and live my days instead of wasting them in front of the TV.  I will use this blog to post pictures of my life, to note quotes that I loved, remember songs that stuck with me, memories no matter how small they are that I never want to forget. I will post the new recipes I try, the small scenic places I visit that I never new existed. I will upload pictures of new artwork, or new crafts that I try. I am going to get out and I am going to live my life away from my sedentary lifestyle.

Why now you ask? Well when you find out your husband is being deployed, you realize more about what you do with your time when you are alone. For me, I guess I don't want to be doing what I have been doing while my husband is fighting for my country. I want to do more with myself like he is doing with himself. I guess he is my motivation. I want our lives to be different when he gets back. I want to have things to show him, I want to cook him amazing meals for a change, and I want it to reflect a healthy way of life for when we do have children. This is my way of living absolute and it is going to start now.